Brother Don - he helped me by not helping me

 

I have often said that one of the aspects of Christianity that caused me to:
a) question the existence of God and the "truth" of the bible,

- and - 

b) makes me so glad that I got out of Christianity when I did . . . 

. . . is - the behaviors and attitudes of Christians.

I could give a dozen examples, but for this post I will limit myself to just two that are pretty clear in my memory from so many years ago when I was a young believer. I was in my mid 20's, and both examples come from the same Christian man, my friend Don.

These examples will likely have zero impact on the reader.  They are not gross or egregious sins worthy of being stoned to death.  Honestly, I have never experienced or observed (personally) such egregious mistreatment by Christians.  Actually in these two examples my friend Don didn't really do anything wrong.  His words, his reactions, his decisions were perfectly normal and understandable.  But what these instances do is illustrate the fact that Christians, in their day-to-day lives are really no different from non Christians.  Their attitudes and their behaviors do not give me any indication that they have anything that I should want or need.  They do not give any indication that they are under the control or influence of a God, a Holy Spirit, or a Jesus.  They are just people who hold a belief that I no longer hold, and holding to that belief does not make them any kinder or wiser, healthier or wealthier.  The beliefs that Christians hold, in my view, based on my many years of observations, are of no benefit to Christians or to the society that they inhabit. 

Perhaps some back-story to set the stage:

It's the early-mid 1980's.  I was in the US military, married, and had one child with another on the way.  I had become a member of a local Baptist church not long after relocating to the area.  I became very good friends with Don and a few other men in the church.  Don was just a few years older than me and he was a traveling evangelist working out of our church, so he was often gone for weeks at a time, preaching across the state and even the country.  I always looked forward to his return.  My family and his, as well as another family, would often meet for lunch or dinner.  Several of us men would ride with Don when he was speaking at other Baptist churches in our area, or in neighboring towns.

At some point in my Christian experience, I had decided that my "tithe", the 10%+ that I gave every Sunday to the church, was entirely between me and God.  So, rather than write a check I decided to tithe with cash, which meant that those in charge of the church finances, would no longer know how much I gave, or, if I gave at all.  How much I gave was between me, my wife, and God. I continued to give as I had before, just anonymously, with cash.

Well, a month or so went by and then one Sunday Don approached me in church and said that the pastor was "worried about me" because he noticed that I had "stopped giving".  I explained to Don that I hadn't stopped "giving", but that I was now giving cash instead of a check, and I explained why I had changed my method.  I suspect that Don told the Pastor what I said but I never heard anymore about it from either man.

Well, after this incident I became a tad disillusioned with the church.  I had witnessed people in the church who obviously were in financial need but were (seemingly) not receiving any help from the church.  I eventually, months later, stopped giving to the church all together.  Instead, I put the cash that I would normally put in the offering plate at church, into my sock-drawer, and whenever I or my wife saw a financial need amongst the families or individuals in the church, we would just give the family or individual some or all of the money that we had been stashing away.  There were times when we would give more than $300 to a person or family - and - there were times when we would give money to my evangelist friend Don and his family.  He and his wife had two sons, and his income, as far as I knew, was limited to the offerings he would receive when he spoke at other churches, though he may have received a regular income from our church, I don't know.  But there were several times when I handed him a few hundred dollars.

That's the back story.  

Let's look at the two incidents that, looking back, definitely caused some chinks in my Christian confidence:

1 - Don enjoyed collecting old / antique books by Christian authors and he inspired in me an interest in that as well.  We would visit used / antique book stores and he would offer his recommendations - books by or about: Charles Spurgeon, Andrew Murry, Jesse Penn Lewis, Watchman Nee, Reese Howells, Johnathan Edwards, A. W. Tozer, George Whitfield, the Wesley Brothers, Charles Finney, etc.  I had amassed a small library and the vast majority of the books that I purchased were at Don's recommendation.

One day, as we returned form an outing to an used book store and were looking over our purchases, I asked Don this question: "Don, have you read all these books?"

He responded, "No", that he hadn't read them all.

I then asked: "Well, then how do you know that they are good books?"

At that moment Don's countenance changed.  He immediately looked stern and defensive, and, at that moment it wasn't clear to me why.

He answered: "Authors Bob - AUTHORS!"

I was perceptive enough to discern that his response was driven by some negative emotions directly resulting from my question, but I wasn't mature or experienced enough at that moment to know why my question could have caused such a response.  The answer would come some few years later as I reflected back on that incident - Don believed that my question was a challenge to his judgment and/or his ability to recommend good Christian books, especially books that he had not read.  But in all actuality, I was merely - innocently - curious if he had read all these recommendations.  And when he said that he hadn't, I was merely curious how he then knew that they were good Christian books.  For all I knew someone else may have recommended them to him.  I was in no way challenging him - I was just curious.  His answer "authors" was a perfectly reasonable answer.  He likely had read some books by all of these authors and therefor he had no problem recommending other books by these same authors - books that he hadn't yet read.  That was a Perfectly reasonable answer.  But his pride had been assaulted, or so he thought.  My question was motivated simply out of curiosity, but in his mind, my question was a direct challenge, so he snapped at me.  In other words, he was just a normal human being, not under the control of a holy spirit as he so often would preach about, but in even the smallest of misunderstandings - as he would say - he put "self" back on the throne . . ."self", the big "I" was back in control.

I never brought the incident up again.

2 - It was nearing time for me and my family to transfer to another military base in another state.  Since we lived in base housing, we had to get the house cleaned and ready for inspection before we left.  We had just a few days (or perhaps a week) before we had to head out.  By this time we had a 4 year old and a 6 month old child.  Then my wife comes down with a flu or bad cold and was barely capable of taking care of the kids let alone help me clean the house.

Don was out of town speaking for a week or so.  I asked his wife if it would be OK for my wife and kids to stay with her for a couple days while I got the house ready.  She said she had to check with Don.  

A day or two later, at church, she approached me and rather timidly said that "Don doesn't think it is a good idea.".  I was immediately upset and desperate, and she could tell, and she started to cry.  I can't remember what I said but I know that I didn't blame her.  She tried to offer some excuse about Don growing up as an only child, but I don't remember beyond that.  I had to get home to care for my sick wife and try to come up with another plan, which was going to involve money, because I was going to have to find a place for her and the kids to stay (hotel) and likely hire someone to clean the house to military specs (which I ended up doing) because I wasn't going to be able to do it by myself in the time left.

I considered Don a great Christian in my life - a man whom I had enormous respect for - and yet - he was really no different from any other person.  I had given him hundreds of dollars over a year or two, and the one time that I needed help, he didn't think it was a "good idea".

~   ~   ~

Allow me to repeat:

I have often said that one of the aspects of Christianity that caused me to:
a) question the existence of God and the "truth" of the bible,

- and - 

b) makes me so glad that I got out of Christianity when I did . . . 

. . . is - the behaviors and attitudes of Christians.

No, Christians are not necessarily bad people - they just don't seem to have anything that I should want or need.

All religions die of but one disease, that of being found out.

~unknown

bob

r.u.reasonable@gmail.com