Songs

 

A few days ago I read a blog post by a fellow former Christian - it was about Christian music. The topic sent me back to my Christian experience. I enjoyed a variety of Christian songs, but mostly the old hymns. I didn't really care much for the contemporary Christian music - not that a lot of it wasn't any good, but in the Christian circles that I ran at that time - Independent Baptist - they didn't really approve of contemporary music.

After reading that post I took an emotional journey back in time. I was familiar with only a few of the groups that were mentioned in his post. I don’t think we had many Christian musicians come to the churches that I attended.  I do specifically remember, back in the early 80's, a group from Lester Rolloff's, Rebekah's Home For Girls came to our church twice.  Lester had been scheduled to come as well but had recently died in a plane crash, so his right-hand man Wiley Cameron brought the girls.

At some point in the early 80’s I discovered The Maranatha Singers and over a couple years had acquired some of their Praise Albums. I think I had Praise 1 thru 4. 

I recently looked them up on YouTube – my gosh – after some 30+ years I can still sing all the songs, and I still feel the emotional charge that they gave me those many years ago. I guess it’s not unlike how a Charismatic-turned-atheist can still speak in tongues.

Along with all the music and songs I have on my phone (rock/folk/country/bluegrass/pop) I have only two Christian songs:

Be Still My Soul

This version just sends chills down me every time it comes up in the rotation.

Stained Glass Masquerade 

Casting Crowns was formed right around the time I became an atheist, and this is the only song of theirs that I have ever listened to. I like it because it describes, almost exactly,  how I felt for the entirety of my Christian experience.

Back to those Praise Songs from the Maranatha Singers - the room is dark, only the glow from my computer monitor, my eyes closed, as I listen I can feel the urge to raise my hands toward the sky (old habits?)

This particular song was especially meaningful to me:

I Love You Lord

Listening to it now the many years melt away.  It is perhaps difficult to identify the emotions that I am feeling.  I am no longer a Christian.  I no longer believe in the God of the bible, the Jesus of the bible.  But it's not just that I no longer believe - I actually have a very negative opinion of the God/Jesus as described in the bible.  I have a negative opinion of people who believe in and worship these bible characters.  

Looking back I am quite amazed that I could have believed what I believed when I believed as a Christian.  I now find the Christian "message" to be entirely unbelievable, and to be largely devoid of any decent human moral instruction.

And yet, when I hear this song, I get these conflicting feelings.  

As I try to analyze what is going on in my head, I think it is sort of like this: 

Back then, when I was a Christian, I felt that the God of the bible was worthy of the declarations of adoration's that this song proclaims.

But now, as an atheist, I feel anger that such a beautiful song is based on, and the result of, a complete lie.  The artists were duped. I was duped.  The "Lord" of this song does not exist, and if he actually did exist, he would be entirely UNWORTHY of the adoration's that this song proclaims - and this angers me.  This makes me want to curse and shake my fist toward heaven - but I don't - because - I am confident that there is no one there to hear me.

bob

r.u.reasonable@gmail.com